I was listening to the Bert Show this morning and they had Pink on doing some sort of generic interview. She said that her and her friends sit around and play B.D.G in which they all spout a Brag, a Desire and a Gratitude.
So I thought, what a great thing to think about. And so I've found that the Brag is the hardest thing for me to come up with. There are so many things I've done 'well' and 'right' in my life, yet they never seem good enough. It occured to me that I need to do a self-esteem make-over. I feel pretty crappy about myself now, and that probably stems from being 6 months pregnant and hormonal. But it has come to the point where I don't want to be in pictures anymore or think irrational thoughts like my friends don't want me in pictures because I ruin them. This is a hard pill for me to swallow being that I used to be a fairly self-assured person. Some would even say cocky.
Mostly, it has to do with my weight (I know, 6 months pregnant, I'm not supposed to be thin!) but I compare myself to every pregnant person I know (who happens to have that adorable baby bump while mine is more of a baby-spare-tire). I have gotten pregnant every where while everyone around me is losing weight or gaining the baby gracefully.
I am thrilled to be a mother. I couldn't say that a few months back. Now, honestly, I can't wait to hold that baby in my arms. I can't wait to start my life with Ollie and Anthony, to regain my life and my body back.
I know I complain a lot about being pregnant (I am so emo about the whole pregnancy thing). I'm hoping by getting this out I will feel better.
Ok, back to the original game plan:
Brag: I like that I see the world from many perspectives. It is the sociologist in me. I feel it makes me a better and more well-rounded person. Although, this also means I am bogged down by negativity around me quite easily. It also means that I can trust my judgement, trust my instincts, because I am self-aware and able to check myself for internal biases. I try to see the world through the cause and effect of it all.
Desire: I desire for a cleaner life. I want a house where everything is in it's place. I am bogged down by clutter (something I have learned recently, I used to be a clutter-a-holic in my earlier life). But now, I want everything in my house to have a purpose. To be easy to clean. To not have baggage stacked by my doorway. To be able to have guests stop by. For the clutter to be gone so my life can be fuller. I need a cleaner, more organized house so I can have a more centered, clean organized me.
Gratitude: I am grateful for Anthony. He allows me to be. Be independant. Be free-spirited. Be brave. Any whim I follow he supports. Whether its listening for hours to a story I wrote or cleaning up dog pee without (too much) complaint, he allows me to be. When I need something (like when I threw my hands up about cooking 'I don't want to even look at the kitchen' I cried) he went grocery shopping with my mom, learned how to cook a good pork roast and is constantly surfing the net for new recipies. He is a good man, who works hard, is over-the-moon about being a Daddy, and shakes his head in disgrace over sexist commercials. He adores me in a way that allows me to take his love and affection for granted and I so often do. When I feel so terrible about my self, he is always there to remind me how sexy, talented, smart I am. An equal partner, so hard to find even in this progressive day and age. I am grateful for the life we have built together.
