Where Are You Going?

"We're almost there and no where near it; all that matters is we're going."

I have terrible recall, but for some reason I can always recite this quote from Gilmore Girls, my favorite show in the whole world. It's been kind of a mantra to me, a person who can't ever really sit still in her own head.
I woke up one day a few months back and decided that I was going to return to school. I didn't want to waste another moment feeling like a fraud as a self-proclaimed writer; or feeling directionless with a few unfinished novels under my belt. I need direction, motivation, criticism, a challenge in my life.
I love school. No, I LOVE school. Not so much the homework (but, as you can probably guess, I love writing papers!) or the mandatory attendance or the two intermediate french classes I have to take--no, I love the meeting of the minds that takes place in a very liberal college. I love the smell of the City as you walk out of General Classroom Building; the feeling of anticipation on the first day of school; syllabi's, I LOVE syllabi's'!!!
Okay, so a lot of this love is directed towards Georgia State specifically. Regardless, I'm excited to go back.
This decision has come with mixed reviews.
Anthony is always supportive, no matter what I decide to do. My parents on the other hand have been.......quiet.
Which translates into what I perceive to be as, "You're moving backwards, getting another bachelors degree. Have another baby!!"
There once was a time when their silence would have kept me up at night, caused me to rethink my decision. But honestly, there is nothing on this earth that would make me rethink my decision.
I am a decisive person. Once my mind is made, I can't bring myself to turn back. And I know a lot of people can't understand this, but I honestly feel that my decisiveness stems from a connection with the universe. When I am absolutely sure about a decision in my life, a sense of peace befalls me, the earth stops moving and when I close my eyes, my future lays before me, a perfectly lit path. I just know. And that is enough for me. I don't have to know where I'm going, I just know that I have to go.
I am on the cusp of a great adventure; the great unknown of my life. I am at the turning point of before and after. And I'm chomping at the bit to find out what changes lay in wait for me. A world of new possibility will blossom; and unlike before, when I was obtaining not one, but two degrees, I'm hungry to grab every opportunity presented to me.
So, I don't know if I'm going to end up with waaay more student loans than I intended just to teach at a university. I'm not going into this degree hoping to become a famous novelist. What I feel with certainty in my soul is that where ever this little endeavor takes me, I will find myself fulfilled.
So, as I held that acceptance letter in my hand, my mantra came to the forefront of my mind:
We're almost there and nowhere near it; all that matters is we're going.
I feel, for the first time in a long time, that everything in my life is starting to make sense.
I'm excited and I'm serene.

Life and Death and Pets.

2010 hasn’t been easy on me in terms of my pets. In April, I lost my beloved Boo Radley (beloved is an understatement, believe me) to a failing heart. And Friday night, we lost our cat, Tsunami Man. What makes his death heartbreakingly tragic is that he was killed by our dog, Bailey.
It all started with a tree that fell in our back yard, that broke open our fence and cluttered our back porch. We can’t leave the dogs out like we normally do, we have to ‘walk’ them. And when Anthony was out ‘walking’ the dogs, Tsunami Man bumbled onto the back porch.
Because of the tree, Tsunami Man was trapped, but at least Bailey was mercifully lethal. Anthony said it was over quick, within seconds.
I’ve found myself uncharacteristically darkened by this. Even more so because my dog took the life of our own in a violent, freak occurrence. I can’t really blame Bailey, who came to me with a natural aversion to the feline members of our pack. There is no one to blame.
It got me thinking yesterday about the purpose of animals in our lives. We love animals like they are our own, but, really, in a different way. Sure, I always loved Boo like my child, but really, I didn’t. I mourned him, I miss him, but it’s not the same as if I lost Oliver. Obviously not.
So maybe animals are here to prepare us for love and loss. Maybe not prepare us (because, really, can anything prepare us for the death of a loved one?), but acquaint us. We learn to love and we learn to lose our pets, who win our love and trust mush easier than humans, die much sooner than we do and who we as a people love with an intensity some cultures can’t comprehend.
I’ve never lost a loved one and I often think what I would do, or who I would become if I were to lose my husband, my parents, my best friend, my Mema. I’m uncomfortable with being unhappy, so much so that I tend to ‘forget’ the bad things so I can move on with my life.
When I lost Boo Radley, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, the memory of his glazed, open eyes staring back at me, gone but not forgotten. Losing Boo Radley was my first taste of death. I’m 25 years old and fortunate because of it. I am unmarred from loss, my life yet divided between the before and the after. I am the person I will never be again once death has touched my life.
I miss you, Boo. And Tsunami, I’m sorry. You were the best of friends in life, and I take comfort in knowing you are together. If animals are here to teach us about life, I can only assume you’ll be waiting for us, to lead us on to the next part of our journey.