The Dream Man

Anthony worked the landfill job last night from 5:30 pm to 5:30 am. I didn't sleep well, knowing that I was the only line of protection for Oliver.

It didn't help that the dogs kept barking at the back door.

It also didn't help that I was having creepy dreams. Dreams where a man (I don't know who it was, probably a character from the story I'm writing) who was sitting on the edge of my bed and staring. Then he said, "Wake up!". I sat up in bed with a start.

Then Boo hacked, choking on his food, and I thought someone kicked in the back door.

Then Boo walked over the grate in the hallway and I thought it was a person standing outside Oliver's door.

I am not normally so fearful. I'm not afraid of someone breaking in per se. I feel pretty powerful with my shotgun by the bed. I have an emergency plan...hear someone break in, grab the baby, put the armour in front of my bedroom door, lock myself in our bathroom with the shotgun pointed at the door. Pretty thorough, I know. But at 1am when the dream man (literally...he wasn't that good looking...) commanded me awake, I couldn't go back to sleep. I read a little, wrote a little and finally laid in the darkness.

I tossed and turned until 5:45 am. The second Anthony got into bed I felt my whole body relax. I suppose I have gotten used to having another warm body in the bed. I remember when we first started dating, Anthony didn't sleep well. He said it was the rhythm of my breathing that helped him sleep better than he ever had. Maybe I'm having the same effect.

Unfortunately, I had to get up at 6 but I snoozed until 6:30, making me late to Sabrina's to drop off the baby. I pulled out his winter clothes and he looks absolutely adorable. I got stuck behind every school bus on the way to work but I didn't care. The brisk fall air, clear sky's and bright sun started my day in a very happy way.

A good weekend to look forward too. I can't believe its almost Old Campbell County day. PWC Photography will be having a booth. I've already picked out Oliver's outfit as he's wheeled around in this 50's stroller...a car.

As soon as Amanda gets to work, we are heading to Target and Walmart to get supplies for the parade. Hopefully this day will fly but my nights be slow and comforting.

Writing

I've been writing again. A sad tale I can't really go into yet. I can't divulge the meat of my story or I will loss all motivation. The only person I can talk about it to is Anthony. It's interesting, discussing things with him. He and I, we are so different. Everything is shades of gray to me. So much that it makes it hard to disagree with most people. I can always see where others are coming from.
Anthony, on the other hand, is everything in b/w. At least he can debate and concede if he sees my point.
When I feel restless, I write. I need to get out of my head, out of my life, even for a moment. I do this a lot. Sometimes I get obsessed with televisions show and that is my nightly escape. Recently, I've found comfort in the world of Twilight. Once that fever started to wain, I've taken to writing, obsessively.
I've always said I'm at artist without any art. Writing has always been my art and the only thing that turns me into an eccentric artist. By that I mean, the only thing that will keep me up late, typing furiously with a crazed look in my eye. I get so intense I start scribbling on receipts as I drive down the word when I mentally come up with the perfect sentence.
My writing comes in phases. Like I said, only when I'm restless or sad or incredibly busy doing other things. Most of the time, my life is ho-hum and happy, which makes writing incredibly difficult. I can feel that even attempting it will be futile.
I have a million ideas for stories. All sad and morbid. But those are the times that really make you human, which is why I think I'm obsessed with the topic. The problem is, I can never come up with endings. On the off chance that I do, so starts the obsession.
I start doubting myself and kicking myself for not getting myself educated in creative writing. I need to break down and take a creative writing class. I know I had talent. I have to remind myself that not everyone can pen a story start to finish or have the gift of written gab.
I know there must be tons of uneducated writers. I don't know of any though.
I doubt myself and then look back at past journal entries or blog entries and I surprise myself at how profound my writing can be sometimes. I need to hold on to that feeling.

Tangents.

Last sunday, my brother's father died. I have a weird fascination with funerals. They don't bother me, I don't dread them like most. Maybe thats the southerner in me. Funerals mean you get to see all the people you haven't seen since the last funeral.

Keep in mind, I've never lost anyone close to me. That will probably alter my opinion of funerals.

It's been hard being away. I bought both Twilight and New Moon (I only had the last two, borrowing the first from Kat). I have let every free moment, nose in book. It helps make the time pass in a blur.

I have a sick obsession with Twilight. The writing is horrible and probably pretty sexist at times, but I love to escape into a character that is the damsel in distress. I am always the hero, always in charge, always the one doing the saving. It's nice to be, if only for a moment, completely helpless. It's also nice escaping into a world where money is no problem.

Plus, she is a girl who has two completely gorgeous,sexy, rich (Edward) and strong (Edward and Jacob) men competing for her constantly. Who couldn't get lost in that, if only for a moment?

And she's in high school. Enough said.

On the other hand, New moon is the next book I am going to start (I finished Twilight already) and I sort of dread it even though I know the importance of reading it (New Moon comes out 11/20/2009...can't WAIT!)

But it hits too close to home, being left unexpectedly, that numbing, excruciating pain of a broken heart. Some things you never get over completely, I guess.

Anyway, I miss Oliver but Twilight has made it bearable.

My brothers are so sad but being so strong. Even if we've only been a slight distraction, I hope that Mom and I have helped in some way.

The sweetest thing.

When you become a mother, you become a combination of light and dark. I have never been happier, snuggling my little man, kissing the soft smelling spots on his head, capturing his baby faces in my memory (hoping my memories won't fail me as I get older). That is the light. I know I learned a new way to love when he was born, a part of me opened up, breaking apart my soul with that light.

That being said, when you know light, you know dark. I also know that in a b

Baby-time

Motherhood is incredible. I pause to really write about it because it comes out all cliche. But for the record, it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done, I never knew I could love someone so much and I can't imagine my life without him.
Motherhood fits well and is very comfortable. It was much easier when I wasn't working (12 blissful weeks...but now I'm back, 3rd week in the grind). I feel like work is stealing my baby from me. When I get home, I'm so tired I find it hard to enjoy him like I did when I wasn't working. I still live for his smile and his warmth and his smell, but it's not the same.
Work, however, is exactly the same. I'm not ashamed to admit that I like certain aspects of being back. One is being able to surf the net to my hearts content. Another is being able to IM my friends at the push of a button. Oliver is well cared for with family so I don't really have to worry about him. And it's nice to see the look on his face when I appear after being gone hours. It's truly priceless.
I don't know how this worked out, but Robert and Amanda are getting married in Tybee and I am the maid of honor and Anthony is best man. I don't know how God worked on them to decide to do it, but it's made my life. Its going to be a truly wonderful day and I can't wait. August 9th is the wedding date.
I don't understand the frazzled mothers on TV. The ones covered in spit-up. MAybe it's because I have a husband who shares the load, or a baby whose still on the bottle and has slept through the night since 2 months old. Whatever it is, Motherhood makes me serene. It settles me. And while I don't expect for it to have that feeling forever, it has made me what to have dozens more babies. I have to stop myself becaue 1) we can't afford any more babies right now 2) our house is not big enough 3) I don' want to work when I have the second
I want to be out of debt and in a new house before the next baby comes along, which means we gots our work cut out for us. I'd like them close together, two years at the most, but that is a lot to do in two years. We've really got to stick to it. Plus, I just need to enjoy Oliver being a baby. But in my head, he's already grown.

Christmas Summary

For the first time in too many years to count, my entire family was together for Christmas. Michael has been appearing when he says he will and that makes for a holly jolly Christmas all in itself. Above is our family portrait. We took a 'normal' one but Mom hasn't posted it yet.

Christmas dinner was at Mom's house this year. There was 17 of us in total which made for a cramped dinner. I wish I could say it was glowing and fuzzy but it wasn't. My family just isn't like that. Plus, my Aunt and Uncle were being weird. But whatever.

I spend the day lounging at Mom's house. Being 9 months pregnant and having to be as busy as we were, I was slightly stressed and almost too tired to properly enjoy it all. Almost. Anthony had to work but since he has been blessed with day shift, he got to enjoy the family stuff as he got off at 7.






Maternity pictures were Saturday. We put it off to the last possible minute. Between juggling Anthony's weekends off and things that were already planned, I'm just glad that we got it done. More to come for sure.

As of yesterday, I am full term. 3 weeks until the official due date. I'm hoping to come early but I hope that Oliver will give me a few more days to get everything ready that we've put off. 1) install the car seat.

I haven't even started nesting yet but I hope it kicks in. I am fixated on cleaning my bedroom. It is beyond gross but I can't get the motivation to do it. Probably because I hate how small it is. I'm too embarrassed to let my Mom see it and figuring she will end up in there with me as I take care of the baby, it needs to be cleaned/vacuumed/dusted/organized. Clumps of dog hair won't do.

It's surreal that at any moment I could go into labor. Knowing my luck I won't give birth til January 28 and I'll look back at this post and laugh at how naive I was.

I've been at work for 50 minutes and I am already bored out of my mind. I need to be challenged. I need to be scared. I need to lay in bed at night and worry about that test I need to be studying for or that project that needs to be done.
It's the things that scare you that really change you. I haven't been scared in a while. Over a year ago, I knew it my deepest of heart that counseling wasn't for me. Then one night, lying in bed, it dawned on me: Sociology professor. I love sociology. It is challenging, perception shattering, wonderfulness! I don't know why it never occurred to me. Maybe because I was meant to have Oliver first...otherwise I would've have dived right in without looking back.
Sure, it will be incredibly challenging to have a baby and a life and go to grad school, but I do better when I have multiple balls in the air. I am the most successful when I'm on the brink of crashing. I rise to the occasion.
Recently, I've had nothing to rise to. This job is mundane. The challenge is gone. The love has dissipated. I am stir crazy.
Graduate school starts in the fall. I'm hoping Oliver keeps me so busy the months fly by and I fail to notice how unstimulated I am.
Now, to get into grad school. That is the next challenge. The idea of teaching in front of people not much younger than me makes me want to throw up my waffles. But the idea of opening new minds is exhilarating.