Christmas Summary

For the first time in too many years to count, my entire family was together for Christmas. Michael has been appearing when he says he will and that makes for a holly jolly Christmas all in itself. Above is our family portrait. We took a 'normal' one but Mom hasn't posted it yet.

Christmas dinner was at Mom's house this year. There was 17 of us in total which made for a cramped dinner. I wish I could say it was glowing and fuzzy but it wasn't. My family just isn't like that. Plus, my Aunt and Uncle were being weird. But whatever.

I spend the day lounging at Mom's house. Being 9 months pregnant and having to be as busy as we were, I was slightly stressed and almost too tired to properly enjoy it all. Almost. Anthony had to work but since he has been blessed with day shift, he got to enjoy the family stuff as he got off at 7.






Maternity pictures were Saturday. We put it off to the last possible minute. Between juggling Anthony's weekends off and things that were already planned, I'm just glad that we got it done. More to come for sure.

As of yesterday, I am full term. 3 weeks until the official due date. I'm hoping to come early but I hope that Oliver will give me a few more days to get everything ready that we've put off. 1) install the car seat.

I haven't even started nesting yet but I hope it kicks in. I am fixated on cleaning my bedroom. It is beyond gross but I can't get the motivation to do it. Probably because I hate how small it is. I'm too embarrassed to let my Mom see it and figuring she will end up in there with me as I take care of the baby, it needs to be cleaned/vacuumed/dusted/organized. Clumps of dog hair won't do.

It's surreal that at any moment I could go into labor. Knowing my luck I won't give birth til January 28 and I'll look back at this post and laugh at how naive I was.

I've been at work for 50 minutes and I am already bored out of my mind. I need to be challenged. I need to be scared. I need to lay in bed at night and worry about that test I need to be studying for or that project that needs to be done.
It's the things that scare you that really change you. I haven't been scared in a while. Over a year ago, I knew it my deepest of heart that counseling wasn't for me. Then one night, lying in bed, it dawned on me: Sociology professor. I love sociology. It is challenging, perception shattering, wonderfulness! I don't know why it never occurred to me. Maybe because I was meant to have Oliver first...otherwise I would've have dived right in without looking back.
Sure, it will be incredibly challenging to have a baby and a life and go to grad school, but I do better when I have multiple balls in the air. I am the most successful when I'm on the brink of crashing. I rise to the occasion.
Recently, I've had nothing to rise to. This job is mundane. The challenge is gone. The love has dissipated. I am stir crazy.
Graduate school starts in the fall. I'm hoping Oliver keeps me so busy the months fly by and I fail to notice how unstimulated I am.
Now, to get into grad school. That is the next challenge. The idea of teaching in front of people not much younger than me makes me want to throw up my waffles. But the idea of opening new minds is exhilarating.

Where has November gone?

My second baby shower was Saturday, November 22. December is almost here and that means I'm almost one month away from being an actual mother. I have to admit, I can't wait to transition into this next phase. I can't wait to see him, love him, teach him and give a part of myself to this world.

So, like I said, my shower was Saturday and it was a whole mix of different people from different aspects of my life. Step-mom, step-sister, relatives from that side mixed with neighbors, in-laws, my mom's side of the family. All coming to celebrate my new burgeoning family. Kind of makes you want to say, 'Aw, shucks'. I can't wait to share this little baby with everyone.

We've had a bit of family drama as of late. Too heavy to go into. It's enough to make me want to run away. It's comforting to know that admist the gunfire, Anthony and I can lay and bed and laugh together. At least for a moment he can make it all go away.

My horomones are at full swing and I find myself on the verge of tears just thinking about certain things. My brother, Michael, for one. He has recently come back into my life full swing after almost an entire lifetime of abscence. I think he is finally proud of his way of life and finds that he doesn't want to hide from us anymore. What he doesn't realize is that we would have loved him unconditionally. He had to learn to love himself first. He is coming back in December and I am so excited my heart could burst. I love my brother. I LOVE him. I want Oliver to have Uncles. Tony is so distant but at least is constant. He has a kind heart and will find loving Ollie to be easy. Michael will be a proud Uncle. I can't wait to see his face the first time he lays eyes on that baby.

Only a three day work week. Wednesday is our VERY LAST Wednesday night court. Before, we have worked from 8 am to whenever court let out (usually around 7:30 pm). Combined with not much action at work makes for a very long and boring day. Starting next week we will have day court. It's been two years coming and I am so excited to have a normal schedule.

I've been Christmas shopping online. Bid on an awesome pair of ET bookends for my cousin Chet but I lost. Bummer. It would have been a hysterical gift.

Feeling plump, pregnant and beautiful. Oliver has found my ribs or rather he is big enough for me to feel him find my ribs. I marvel at this feeling of having life inside me. I've wondered what it would feel like my whole life. I'm trying to take it in without the worry or complaint. It is beautiful and breath taking. Possibly the coolest feeling on the planet. And you can find it within your own body.

Off to re-read Harry Potter

PS Twilight was so amazing. It was everything I hoped it to be and more.

This is Oliver's first debut a la 3-D ultra sound. He looks so much like Anthony which is fine by me. He probably will have the Wolf-T (eyes and nose) but the rest is all his Daddy. Only 11 more weeks to go. Surreal and terrifying. So much to do to make our dirty house a clean and comfortable home.









Once upon a time there were 3 girls. They were young and wild and would spend their summers on the beach in St. Augustine. They were loud, wild, boy-crazy banchee girls. Now, we are grown. We are all married with either children or children on the way. We all still in live Georgia but in different parts with very different lives.





The one on the left is my cousin Sarah Cat. I have been close to her most of my life except for the past 5 years where family turmoil and very different life styles separated us. We grew up together. She tormented me when we were younger. Then we became ruthless, trouble-some allies. Some of my best childhood memories are with her.





The bride is my step-sister Adriane. We met the summer I was 12 (I guess) and Sarah Cat probably 14. For several summers after we ran the beach like wild girls. There was never a shortage of laughter and trouble.





I was so glad we were able to reunite at Adriane's wedding. Adriane and I have remained closer, seeing each other more often than we see Sarah Cat. I hope that changes.





I miss those summers. How carefree we were. I miss how free we were in those days, never worrying about anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be grown and sensible. I'm glad to have an adoring husband and a chubby cheeked baby on the way (see aboveI miss our friendship though and hope some summer soon our children can run the beach wild and carefree like we were (but possibly not get in so much trouble...)

Taking a Day

Tomorrow (Friday) I think I'm going to take a day. I haven't informed the powers that be yet but it won't be a problem. I work with some really fantastic people. It's been a rough week, not only b/c my co-worker has been out (it's actually been rather slow so she wasn't really needed persay) but that I've been SO tired. Ollie must be growing a lot. He sure is kicking a lot. I'm also still recovering from the nine (9!) hour wedding we shot on Saturday.

Anthony will be off tomorrow which will make it a productive day. He needs a new suit for the wedding we have coming up. I need a Halloween costume (which is a pickle for pregnant ladies! If you can find one, they are one-size-fits-all. All I have to say to that is 'HA!').

After reading Domino magazine last night, my head got a-spinning about our bedroom. It's newly painted a deep, dark purple. We recently acquired a king size bed from my parents that really pops (white, 'rod iron') I need to move some furniture around to make it look less crowded and more efficinet. I love to be inspired. I would love to have an easily flowing home. In another life I'd like to be a home decorator. But I hate measuring and I can't sew so I'd be up a creek.

Anyway, I'm taking a day because I need something to look forward too. It's been a hum-drum week. BUT(!) My step-sister Adriane's wedding is tomorrow and I can't wait to see my cousin Sarah Cat! It will be nice to have us all together again. Just like the old days!

TA-TA!

To-Do List (Because To-Doing is fun!)

So much to do before Oliver arrives.

Autumn

Had to post this picture because I love it. It was a beautiful autumn day on Old Campbell County Day and we had a great time laughing at certain aspects of the parade then painstakingly painting every child's face in Fairburn.

Some things I love about Autumn (in particular, this Autumn)

1. It has been unseasonably cool. The skys have been overcast, threatening of rain. I am sad to say that they never deliver but I am grateful for the small thrill of hope. Because of this great weather, we have had our air conditioning off for almost a month and windows open. I feel sorry for our neighbors who have to hear us yell at the dogs and listen to the blaring of our television, but there is no smell like the fresh smell of the fall air when you come into the house.

2. My baby shower is fast approaching (2 weeks!) and the bestest is planning my awesome baby shower. Halloween themed everything. People are coming in costumes. Scary music will be played. I'm sure the menu has been created accordingly. Some of my favorite people in the world are gathering to celebrate the arrival of the awesome Ollie. I can't wait and am forever amazed by the amazing Amanda.

3. Next Sunday begins my third trimester. Only 3 more months til awesome Ollie arrives.

4. Halloween is on a Friday this year! And despite my large size, I am waddling out to a party of some sort with my pals. I haven't picked a costume yet, waiting a little longer to 'ripen' but I hope it is chilly (because I am forever hot!)

5. It just feels like fall. We had a good fall last year and is shaping up to an even better fall this year. The leaves are turning. The air is crisp. I am in heaven!

6. We shot our last wedding for the year (9 hours!) and I am so glad to have it over. Next Saturday is Adriane's wedding, then my baby shower, then Bobby's wedding. My sister-in-law Julie is coming to visit the first weekend in November. I am ecstatic!

I'm trying not to let money woes get me down. Most people will receive baked goods for Christmas. Maybe this will help me remember the spirit of the holiday and not get bogged down with the commercial aspect. Money is so tight its almost hard to breathe but I'm trying to be happy. We have money to pay our bills, feed ourselves and our dogs. We own our house, a car and are both securely employed. I need to be Thankful and focus on that. So many people have it so much worse than us.

I'm just afraid we won't have enough money to diaper our son when he comes. People have raised kids on less. I need to remember to take it one day at a time. This too shall pass.

I am dwelling on a lot of anger directed towards the in-laws. Life is unfair, it's a concept I have accepted, but still, we are paying for their dastardly mistakes. It hurts me to know that we are drowning because of them. I hope they enjoy their cruise while we struggle day to day. I need to let it go but I can't seem to find a way too. I want to go on Oprah. I want the whole world to know. Embarrassing them won't make it better. But it sure is fun to fantasize about.

Happy Autumn!

Kindness to strangers

Old Campbell County Day came and went. Our face painting booth was more of a sucess than the parade but if anything I learned a lot and I have to be content with that. Most importantly, we had a lot of laughs, which is something we do a lot when we are all together. Much kudos to my Mom for taking pictures that I will look back fondly on one day. That is an ever constant gift she has for me, photographs of my life. I need to remember to include her in more of them because they will be the only ones I want to look at one day when she is gone.

Yesterday, Amanda asked me to accompany her to pick up a costume she found on Craigslist. Alice in Wonderland. She will make a perfect Alice with her long blonde hair. Anyway, Anthony and I accompanied her to protect her from potential serial killers and rapist posing as innocent people that want to sell costumes on Craigslists.

Any way, it wasn't a serial killer but a perfectly normal girl. She awkwardly stood in her stairwell as Amanda pulled out the costume, giving it a look-see and handing over the twelve dollars, all while the awkward girl asked us questions: "Where are you from?" "How old are you all?" She was from Kansas she informed us. She looked at us with sad eyes as Amanda said thanks and we turned to leave. This was a Craigslist transaction after all.

As we were leaving, I turned to Amanda and said, "Looks like somebody wants to make friends"

Immediatly, it dawned on Amanda what I meant and she immediatly felt bad, "Maybe we should invite her to dinner?"

We all shrugged. "I'll shoot her an email tomorrow" Amanda said with a sense of finality.

We went to dinner, occasionally referancing the awkward stanger, acknowledging how scary it would be to move to a new town and have no friends and how we take each other for granted.

We decided to do what we always do, persuse Target for sales. As we were walking in, Amanda gets a text from the awkward stranger, "What do you guys do for fun in this town?"

I told Amanda to call her and invite her to meet us at Starbucks.

Long story short, the awkward stangers name is Carrie and she moved here 3 years ago, following a mysterious internet job that she wouldn't elaborate on but that fell through. She was painfully shy but warmed up over the conversation. At least Anthony is good at keeping things moving in conversations.

We couldn't help but ponder what it all meant...meeting Carrie and feeling compelled to invite her into our lives. Comtemplating what events we could possibly invite her to, pondering how she would interact with our other friends. I guess its empathy, putting ourselves in her shoes, even though I'm fairly certain after 3 years I would have made some progress. But then again, I'm not painfully shy.

Maybe we'll see her again, maybe we won't. I'm glad to know that I still have the capacity to reach out to people, that I still feel compelled to make new friends, even if I am slightly guarded.

A Good Day

Me, Amanda, Vanessa-Braves Game 9/19/08

I've had a good day with lots of stimulation which is a nice change from normal. It's been so slow as of late which can really drain on you. The bestest, Amanda, and I went out shopping for face painting supplies for the booth on Old Cambell County Day (OCCD).

There are definite perks working for this City. One being I work with Anthony, Amanda, Robert, Chris, Kat, Vanessa...all the key players in my life. One day we'll look back with a whimsical haze. It'll be fun to tell our kids. We'll be scattered to the wind but hopefully KIT. I know with Amanda and Robert we will be, being the Oliver's God-Parents and are, well, family to us.

And then lunch with Amanda and Vanessa. Lots of girl talk and giggling. Anticipation for things to come. I can't wait for Amanda and Robert to get married. I will be in my hay-day. I can't wait to plan her Bachlorette party and wedding shower. I can't wait for the day after they return from their honeymoon, where we will sit and gossip like teenagers.

Anyway, its been a good day. I get to see my Mom tonight but am not looking forward to meeting with photography clients. I hate all the small talk.

I went to a basketball game on Sunday and was totally distracted by a mother holding her baby. I take that as a good sign. I can't wait for Oliver to get here. To hold him and kiss his fat hands, fingers, legs. I'm so relieved I'm at this place. Don't get me wrong, I still hate other kids. But I can't wait to adore my own.

Oliver

Whoops. I forgot to mention I'm having a boy. Anthony Oliver. To be called Oliver, Ollie, etc.

Brag. Desire. Gratitude.

I was listening to the Bert Show this morning and they had Pink on doing some sort of generic interview. She said that her and her friends sit around and play B.D.G in which they all spout a Brag, a Desire and a Gratitude.

So I thought, what a great thing to think about. And so I've found that the Brag is the hardest thing for me to come up with. There are so many things I've done 'well' and 'right' in my life, yet they never seem good enough. It occured to me that I need to do a self-esteem make-over. I feel pretty crappy about myself now, and that probably stems from being 6 months pregnant and hormonal. But it has come to the point where I don't want to be in pictures anymore or think irrational thoughts like my friends don't want me in pictures because I ruin them. This is a hard pill for me to swallow being that I used to be a fairly self-assured person. Some would even say cocky.

Mostly, it has to do with my weight (I know, 6 months pregnant, I'm not supposed to be thin!) but I compare myself to every pregnant person I know (who happens to have that adorable baby bump while mine is more of a baby-spare-tire). I have gotten pregnant every where while everyone around me is losing weight or gaining the baby gracefully.

I am thrilled to be a mother. I couldn't say that a few months back. Now, honestly, I can't wait to hold that baby in my arms. I can't wait to start my life with Ollie and Anthony, to regain my life and my body back.

I know I complain a lot about being pregnant (I am so emo about the whole pregnancy thing). I'm hoping by getting this out I will feel better.

Ok, back to the original game plan:

Brag: I like that I see the world from many perspectives. It is the sociologist in me. I feel it makes me a better and more well-rounded person. Although, this also means I am bogged down by negativity around me quite easily. It also means that I can trust my judgement, trust my instincts, because I am self-aware and able to check myself for internal biases. I try to see the world through the cause and effect of it all.

Desire: I desire for a cleaner life. I want a house where everything is in it's place. I am bogged down by clutter (something I have learned recently, I used to be a clutter-a-holic in my earlier life). But now, I want everything in my house to have a purpose. To be easy to clean. To not have baggage stacked by my doorway. To be able to have guests stop by. For the clutter to be gone so my life can be fuller. I need a cleaner, more organized house so I can have a more centered, clean organized me.

Gratitude: I am grateful for Anthony. He allows me to be. Be independant. Be free-spirited. Be brave. Any whim I follow he supports. Whether its listening for hours to a story I wrote or cleaning up dog pee without (too much) complaint, he allows me to be. When I need something (like when I threw my hands up about cooking 'I don't want to even look at the kitchen' I cried) he went grocery shopping with my mom, learned how to cook a good pork roast and is constantly surfing the net for new recipies. He is a good man, who works hard, is over-the-moon about being a Daddy, and shakes his head in disgrace over sexist commercials. He adores me in a way that allows me to take his love and affection for granted and I so often do. When I feel so terrible about my self, he is always there to remind me how sexy, talented, smart I am. An equal partner, so hard to find even in this progressive day and age. I am grateful for the life we have built together.

Sneakin' a peek

Dinner was as good as expected and I ate til I was uncomfortable! This is my cousin Madison, bowing her head for prayer. My mom just happened to have her camera ready (she always does!) and snapped this.

Madison's mom, Blakley, is pregnant too (3 weeks ahead of me to be exact!) and it was the first time we saw eachother since we both found out. Lots of laughs all around...it was an enjoyable evening. Plus, it was nice to actually look forward to something. I'm slowly resuming the old me.

Singing in the car with Anthony, making crazy voices and laughing past 9 pm...its good to be back.

Tomorrow I go on the hunt for some maternity clothes with Mom. A bra is a must but I would like to buy that band that goes around the outside of your jeans...so you can wear your favorite pair while with child. I tried to squeeze into an old pair today while dressing for work, and while I got it buttoned, I felt I was squeezing the life out of my unborn child. Plus, I couldn't breath.

Tonight we are going to see Batman with a couple of our friends. It will be sad to see Heath Ledger. I really respected him as an actor and was shocked and saddened when I heard of his passage. Anyway, I hear he is amazing in the part.

That's all for now.

The difference a clean fridge makes

Some pictures for the taking.

Inspired by an old friend to start blogging. Have been mentally blocked in the writing arena for some time. Probably because I have a 90 page novel that is far from being finished but feel in my heart of hearts is my ticket out of the cubicle life.

I read somewhere that if you aspire to be a writer, you must write everyday, about anything and everything. So here I go.

We got back from Our First Annual Family and Friends Tybee Island Trip. I spent months counting down days (which, in turn, made them crawl) to when we left. Its nice to not be anticipating something. To live and let live. Its also nice to feel like myself again.

First Trimester ended as soon as vacation started but I haven't started feeling better until just recently (i.e. yesterday). Pregnancy sucked the soul out of me and all the joy that went with it. Damn uncontrollable hormones.

Anthony cleaned out the fridge yesterday. There may have been an undisclosed bargaining tool used but it is clean none-the-less. I told him I wanted all the "stinky" (i.e. rotten, moldy food) out of the house and the moldy Tupperware cleaned before I got home. It is amazing the difference a clean fridge makes. I now have hope to go grocery shopping (seriously, we had no room for groceries because of the mounds of moldy leftovers).

The house has gone to shambles because I've been sick with pregnancy and mess, for me, equals hopelessness. I looked around my dressing room (soon to be dressing room/nursery) and had a desire to clean. I suddenly had hope. The first trimester is passing.

Tonight is Anthony and my birthday dinner (our birthdays are in May, mind you). Its the only family tradition my family has. My Aunt and Uncle and their kids, my parents, Anthony and I congregate at least once a month a Mema's house and she prepares whatever meal the birthday folks desire. I'm excited about our meal.