Thankful #1 and #2

For the month of November, I'm going to write an entry a day on something I'm thankful for in honor of Thanksgiving. I think we all get caught up in our everyday lives, in the wants, dwelling on the things we don't have...I'm a fairly sentimental person so please excuse the high level of sappy. Please feel free to share what you're thankful for. I think it will all do us some good to praise God for what we have as well as acknowledge the people in our lives that make our lives what they are...
So, since I'm behind already, here are my #1 and #2 (now, my 'thankfuls' are in no particular order. Just what comes to me in the moment)



Thankful #1: The return of my brother, Michael

About a year ago, we started seeing Mike began showing up, despite by adamant doubting. He's been consistently out of my life, finding his way. Then he was back and the hole in my heart (the one I didn't know I had) was filled. I felt complete, whole, like I had been searching for something I couldn't know until I found it. He has added such depth, meaning and fun into my life as well as glued our family even tighter together. He has added such a dynamic to our family that has altered us permanently, made us less uptight and ready for whatever life throws our way.

You can't help but love Michael. There is something about him that disarms you, that allows you to look through his burly, tattooed exterior into the heart of him. He has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. He would give you the shirt of his back if you needed it, he'd give you the last dollar to his name and he'd protect you to the end.

Unlike when we were children, he feels bad if he hurts my feelings. He won't say it though, he'll just wrap an arm casually over my shoulder or lag behind to walk quietly beside me. When we were kids, he loved to get me riled up. Now, I'm better at turning it off when he antagonizes me and, being older, we have fun ragging on each other. It's the way siblings are supposed to be.

More than anything, Mike has given me an understanding into myself. Even though we grew up separately, it is so unreal to see our similarities. Sometimes he takes off his glasses or wears his hair in a certain way and it startles me, because it's like I'm staring in a mirror. I feel like we are connected in something so much stronger than friendship, more than being siblings or even blood. I get him and he gets me and it's a comfort I have longed for. Plus, there is nothing like knowing someone would die for you. I am the light of his life, his baby sister, and he is the light of mine, my big brother.

I stop, at least once a day, and thank God for this opportunity to get to know my brother. Time with him, this last year, has meant more to me than all the electronic equipment money could buy. Just knowing that I am not alone in this life, in a sibling kind of way, provides a kind of comfort I have sorely been lacking.

I love you, Michael. You mean everything to me.

Thankful #2: I am thankful for nothing going as planned

I had a plan. I formulated this plan when I was probably a freshman. I'd graduate high school, go to college and then become a counselor. Well, I graduated quickly and went straight into grad school.

I will remember this moment until the day I die (which is saying something as my memory leaves something to be desired). I was sitting in the car with Anthony. I was crying, listening to a sad song. Grad school was as easy as I thought it would be. I loved my classmates and teachers. It was a wonderful experience.

Yet.

Yet it wasn't right.

I knew it in my heart, this feeling that I wasn't heading in the direction I was supposed to. Although I liked my classes and classmates, I really hated the counseling aspect of it. I didn't want to spend my life doing it.

This revelation was earth-shattering. I was a girl with a plan, a plan I carefully formulated and counted on. It was then I realized that I was making the plan based on 'money' and 'safety' and not what I really desired in my heart to do.

It's funny, looking back. When I started grad school, I started writing again. It was the first time I had penned an entire book from start to finish. It was the first time I had ever gotten a high from doing something creative. I felt it in my soul that this unknown, unsure path was the one I was destined to take. I was a little girl, wanting to be a writer. But I gave up the dream because the future of writing was unstable. Little did I know this dream would find it's way out one way or another

I have to admit, it was scary to drop out. To tell my parents I was leaving grad school was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, to trust myself enough to know I was doing the right thing for me. I truly became an adult that night as I sat at the end of my driveway, my plan shattering to pieces.

Then we decided, since I wasn't in school and had no idea what I was going to do with my life, we'd start a family. Oliver came along a little over a year later.

I've started writing again. I am just beginning this process, still just writing and learning. I'm considering taking classes and trying to not beat myself up too much for silencing the inner dream long ago and for not majoring in creative writing.

I know, in my heart, I am where I am supposed to be. I have never been happier with my life. So, even if I was saying farewell to a life making more money than my future holds now, I am at peace knowing that even though nothing went as planned, the best future for me is right around the corner. I may not know what it is, but I have faith that something will come of my writing. I feel it in my bones and I've learned there is nothing safer than trusting your own instincts.