Dear Me.

Dear Me.

I'm writing from a place far in your future. 10 years may seem like a lifetime away; I know you feel as though you are molding in loneliness waiting for the 'best' part of your life to begin. Right now, you've never driven a car, never loved a boy, never had a true best friend and never been left broken-hearted. You have so much in your future just in the year that stretches eagerly before you that I have to pause to even consider where to begin.
I think we all have regrets; for the most part, I try not to. What's the point? But since the purpose of this is to give you advice, I suppose for the moment I can divulge a few things that bite at my heels.

First of all, dump your current boyfriend. He is of no use to you and your future; only scarring you and succeeding at making you feel small like him. You are loud, rambunctious and spirited; revel in every second of that energy and life. Becoming an adult tames that spirit; and while that blue flame ignites in me every once in a while, for the most part it's shelved in my past. So don't let him make you feel ashamed for being the loudest person in the room; it's what draws them all to you--like a moth to a flame.
You will find in your life that people want to be your friend, because you are a good one. Hold dear to that cluster of girls that you have accumulated; they will be your life-raft in rough waters, even after you graduate. Sure, one day you will move on and up in the world, either geographically or into distant phases of unparalleled lives, but you will always have the memories and the pictures that you made. Those girls, that friendship, made you who I am today.

Stop wasting moments in your life by longing for your one great love. It will happen in it's own time--you will fall in love and it will be great, for a while. But like most things, great loves are more satisfying in the movies. Instead, realize that great loves can come in all shapes in sizes--from the dog whose life you saved to the girlfriends who get you through times that are not so great. It is so hard to see for the anticipation clouds your vision--but enjoy your life as it is, without the complication and responsibility that love brings. You have plenty of time for complication in the future; enjoy the simplicity of the moment--because it too will quickly pass.
And when you meet him, you will be blindsided. He will be nothing you thought you wanted and everything you needed. And just when you find yourself completely dependant on him and your future is dangling by a thread, he leaves you. Some days I would warn you to avoid him at all costs; to not allow yourself to believe that you have a lifelong future with him. When he leaves, you will be destroyed. But, but, you will also be left with a valuable life lesson. You may not love as all-encompassing anymore, but you will love logically, healthily and in the end, more genuinely. You will find power in a love that makes you independent--love shouldn't cripple you, shouldn't make you feel inadequate.
But I want you to love him--to feel the unique joy of a first love. Your heart is open and pure; it's the only time in your life you'll be that away, aside for the love you feel for your own child. Enjoy that slow dance at prom and those first glorious days during spring where you soared with the heightened transformation of new love. It's an amazing time in your life. Feel the wind in your hair of those great heights--don't rush through it--because soon enough the gravity of love and growing up will force you back down again.
You will learn so much from him that I will risk the devastating pain in order for you to learn those lessons. I believe we are who we are from the circumstances before us and how we overcome them. Your heart will still be open--it remains so even today--you will bounce back quickly.
You will find that when life gets hard--you get stronger. Knowing that about yourself is half the battle.
On that note--I do want to advise you to listen to that small voice. Know yourself enough to know when it's time to say goodbye. I believe you missed out on a lot senior year of high school as you grasped on to a future that wasn't meant to be. As impossible as it may seem, let him go. You know, it your heart, it's over--trust yourself and watch the boys fall out of the woodwork--there will be one in particular you will always wonder about.

Relish every moment on stage. Audition for Crimson despite what anyone tells you. When you sing without fear, you're not half bad. Don't let any one's doubt crack a hole in your self-esteem. Become OK with disagreeing with your parents; just because they believe something differently doesn't make you wrong or them right. Once you over-come the obstacle of their acceptance--it's when they will truly accept you.

Stand in a mirror and really see yourself. You will look back at photographs and marvel at how beautiful you were. Cut your hair short, I mean really short, but only after homecoming senior year.

When you graduate, take all that money and put it in a savings account--don't blow it decorating your apartment. Apply to Oglethorpe but go to Georgia State your first year--regardless of what your boyfriend's plans are. Go into the City and get lost; over come your fears. Your directional sense and independence in that regard will be a huge chunk of your identity when you get older.

Don't live at home--live in the dorms. Never tell Mom where your really going--it's all part of being in college. You are responsible and mature; trust, trust, trust yourself.

No matter how foolish it sounds--write, write and then write some more. Forget psychology (still double major in sociology though--those classes speak to the very core of who you are and validate you as a person). Don't be so concerned with making money; instead, be concerned with being content. Major in something like creative writing. It's our belief that life will work out that makes it so. Believe, write and keep skipping those classes. Your college days pass in an unbelievable blur.

Of all the regrets I stew over in my mind, marrying Anth at such a young age is not one of them. Sure, life would have been easier; I could have lived pretty much carefree from my apartment under my parents--but what kind of life is that? It's the hardships and the challenges that sharpen you, that transform you, whether for better or for worse. That, well, that is what you choose--whether these things will make you best version of yourself or the worst.

But of all the advise I've just given you, you must take this one piece to heart: ignore most of what I've told you. Don't change one step in a different direction; otherwise I may be writing you from a very different place right now. Life with a different perspective may not have led me to Anthony and then inevitably to Oliver--and that is not something I would ever risk. And no matter what I preach--you will never be able to get to where I am without passing through those treacherous woods of adolescence. Sure, I look back with regret because I didn't know better. Now I do--it's the seemingly unfair contradiction of growing up.

Just know that your life in the future is small but meaningful. The plans we felt so sure about scattered to the wind but our life is a charmed one. Just plan to be surprised. Plan to be happy.

I'm sure I'll write you again in another ten years. Have fun in high school and trust me--things will get easier.

Love always,
Me.